"Good men mean well. We just don't always end up doing well."

This is a quote that I've given a lot of thought to over the past couple months. As weird as this sounds....I got this from a video game. A quote that is given from one character to another. To men in a corrupt world so messed up, it's virtually beyond repair. One, reliving all his mistakes starts to realize that he has done many bad things but, tried to clean his slate by doing good and just. His partner, who has been through a whole lot more tells hims this very thing. 

I feel like in most situations I mean to do well but, the truth is, I seem to fall short and don't always end up doing well. It hurts....Some days I get out of bed and wonder if I am truly making any difference in this world. If I am impacting anyone's life for the better. If I am being a good example to those around me. Helping those who need it. Being a friend and support to those who don't have one. I wonder if I am really being the best husband I can be to my wife. If she is truly happy where she is in her life and if she is really happy to have me there by her side. 

It is wrong for me to admit that I am human? That I am doing my best in all things. Am I a good man? If I am, why do I seem to always end up not doing so well? I seem to wander through a never ending fog. Dark, cold, with no thought or emotion. It sits there....hanging all around me. Trying to get me to stray from my goals. From the path that I am trying to walk down. It blinds my dreams, suffocates my faith and hope, it strangles my motivation. What am I really worth? I try so hard to be positive each and every day. But, this fog always seems to find me. 

Like Simon and Garfunkel sang "Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping....Left its seed while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my head....still remains....Within the sounds of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone." This is how I feel sometimes. Most nights I do not sleep well so, I sit in the darkness and over the years in a very real sense, the darkness has indeed become my friend. And when I do sleep....Seeds are planted in my head and do not leave me be for quite sometime. Seeds of doubt, sorrow, worry, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. 

Is it time for me to hang up my good shield and sword? Should this "white knight in shining armor" put the breastplate and other pieces away in a closet, lock the door and throw away the key? What am I worth if I mean well but, just don't always end up doing well? These questions I am constantly faced with but have no answers to give. So I suppose I will forever remain walking alone in the darkness. Listening to my footsteps echo along the narrow streets of cobblestone in my head. 

Fixing things!!

Growing up, I always watched and admired my father for the way he would fix things around our house. I couldn't wait till I was old enough to be entrusted with tools. Any of you ladies who are reading this, yes, that sounds really dorky. But I am a guy after all and it is in my DNA to want to fix things. As I got older, my grandfather gave me the opportunity to work for him on his farm in Springville. 

              

I got to learn from both my father and my grandfather. I had a chance to use those skills they taught and get better and better at them. Since I've been married, I've been able to incorporate a lot of those same skills in fixing small things around our apartment. We live in a great apartment. Great location, and a great land lady. I want to do my best to keep this place in a good condition so when we move they don't have to fix a lot of stuff up. That way, those who move in after us will come into a warm, nice, inviting place that they can establish themselves in. 

I've fixed many things. The toilet (old and a pain!) but, gotta do what you do to have that nice plumbing. Lucky for me, thus far, the repairs have been small and within my range of knowledge that I have received. Fixing doors, dresser drawers, lamps, etc. And today, the closet. We have one long bar that stretches the entire length of the closet and in the middle there is a triangle shaped support that keeps the bar in place. One of the smaller screws that goes underneath the support and rest right below a shelf, fell out due to the weight of the clothes that Brittany and I have combined. 

I was getting a little worried because, without that tiny little screw, the larger one in the middle was starting to feel the full force of the weight and was starting to sag. The support was starting to give out and I didn't want it to finally give up and fall causing to the support. So, I found a replacement screw in my toolbox, got out the power drill and went to work. I'm happy to say that the fixing process went smooth. Nothing was broken or damage (myself included) 

It just gives me a good feeling when I am able to do stuff like this. It gives me a sense of accomplishment even though the job is small and simple. I truly am grateful for a patient, loving father who could see the skills that I would need in my future and was willing to teach me at a young age. Even though at the time, I kept thinking "It's gonna be a long time before I ever use any of this" that time came a lot faster than I had expected. 

School and Work 

I started school about 3 weeks ago. It's going fairly well. I admit, It's been a very long time since I've been in school. I wanted to start college right away when I came home from my mission but, God had other plans for me. Due to total reconstructive surgery of both my feet....I was left to do nothing but lay on the couch. I considered doing online classes but, most of the time I was so drugged up, in so much pain or, so sick from all the medications and fighting the pain that, it was hard to focus on watching movies or playing a video games. 

I've had issues with UVU in getting into classes and starting them. Mostly financial reasons. This semester, however, I decided that no matter what happens...I was going to start. Dove right into it and now, here I am. Again, going fairly well so far. Some days are harder than others. I have a hard time focusing on things like academics or, when I have to read or study. 3 classes, 2 days a week is not bad at all. But, I'm new to this. And then, add 40 hr weeks of work and the schedule starts to get messy. Monday is a typical day. Get up, get ready for the day, go to work, come home, eat dinner, do homework, spend some time with my wife, go to bed. Tuesday. I get up, get ready, go to school, come home, eat a quick lunch, pack a dinner, go to work, get home around 11 pm and then go to bed, etc. You can start to see how the rest of my week goes. I usually find some time in those days to cram in some time to do homework. 

It's not easy for me. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel really tired. REALLY tired. More then I've been since I was on my mission. Lol I go to work and it seems like I have homework there as well. My manager is waiting there for me and she tells me what went on that morning and, things that need to be done that night while I am there. Since I was just made the new night manager over the Service Deli, I am held to more responsibilities. I basically have a checklist. Much like one I have for school. Just in a different setting. 

It has been quite the challenge and journey thus far. But, I am loving the experience. I've learned some new and interesting things in school. Old things I thought I had lost or forgotten are being brought back to my memory. I know most of you out there have already gone through this or, are still going through it and think "it's no big deal" but, it is to me. I know eventually this will become second nature to me but, just had to share what is going on with my life and how things are going. I'm alive and doing well. Doing the best that I can. Welcome to my life. 

Anger Issue/Therapy

Okay so, It's  been a while since I've written. I apologize for that. I've had a lot going on these past few weeks I know that is no excuse since my fiance is better at this than I am. I wanted to talk about something that is quite sensitive to me. It isn't something I come out in the open and share with the general public....So, please, bear with me on this. To some, it may not be a big deal or much of an issue but, it is to me.


For many years now, many years....I've been suffering with some serious anger issues. It started at an early age. I was about 15 or 16 when I started to fight with my parents. They would start as a typical teenage fight like any of this did at that age.  But, mine would escalate and, to my dismay, I was always the one who made them that way. It's one of those things that you do and you don't realize you do it or you've done it till someone calls you out on it. Or, something happens to make you stop and think about what is going on and what the cause is. Most of those fights on my end would stop when my mom would go in to our laundry room, shut the door, and then sit on the floor and cry.


My Dad would be furious with me for doing that....who could blame him? That's the love of his life, the person he loves and respects and cares for and, her own child, the very person she willingly and lovingly brought into this world and gave life to, is treating her like garbage. Is fighting with her and with him and won't let go. Won't think clearly. All I would do is make the situation worse and worse. There was a force inside me that would just take me over. One part of my mind loved the feeling and just kept going with it while the other part of my mind, knew what I was doing was wrong. I would try to fight it but, with no success. The other part that loved what it felt would always win. I would pray hard, fast and have blessings to help me with this issue. At points I would be pretty good and would feel good. And then, something would set me off and I would spiral once again into a fit of rage. I would say things that I would later regret. Things that would cut so deep....that the damage could not and still cannot be repaired. And that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.


Over the years I would just keep doing this. Finding excuses to fight. Causing fights just for the heck of it. I'm not sure why I did and to this day, I still don't know why. The prayers on my behalf, the fasting etc, none of that helped. I was constantly agitated...I always felt this anger, this fiery feeling inside and I could never shake it. A lot of the time, people really don't know who I am. One day I'm the happiest person in the world who is giving compliments left and right and nothing can bring me down and then, someone will say something or, will do something that I either take wrong or, hurts me or offends whether it's something big or small and then I lose it. The anger instantly flows through my veins and I am unstoppable. My tongue is stained with some really bad offenses....and I cause an incredible amount of hurt in those I love.

The worst, is taking this anger out on Brittany.....No one deserves it. Especially her. It isn't right and it isn't fair. There have been several occasions where, she should have left me. She should have walked out the door and said "goodbye" But, she's always been here for me. Now, just to clarify, I am not physically abusive. I have never hit her and never will. I could never hit a girl. But, being verbally abusive, is no different. It's the just the same thing if you think about it. Making her cry and having her say that she doesn't know who I am and who she is marrying and that I scare her when I get like this.....is the worst. It's a feeling that I hate but, that I deserve to feel. I don't blame her for being scared of me and, I don't blame her for not knowing who I truly am. I am screwed up. I am a mess and I want to publicly pour my heart out to her in sincere and honest apology. I know I will never be able to repair the damage that I have already caused and for that, I will bear the scourging's of my own tongue. I will suffer the pain and anguish associated with the words and actions that I have done. 


It was through her words, encouragement and some talking to that, I've finally decided to do some therapy and see if I can get to the root of this anger and find ways to either cope and deal with it or, to get rid of entirely. I've had two sessions so far and am really liking it. Even though the sessions aren't very long, they are draining. But, It's been worth it so far and, I have a feeling that the more I see the Therapist, am open and completely honest with him, I will get the help that I need. I will continue to pray, fast, receive priesthood blessings and, find in me the strength and the will to overcome this issue.


To any of you out there who struggle with this same issue or, an issue similar to it. I would encourage you and advise you to see a doctor or therapist. I had a very hard time admitting I needed to get see one for various reasons but, once I got over my pride and learned that, it can't hurt to go see one and just talk to them, I realized that they truly care about others and want to help them overcome issues and personal challenges so we can be happy and live happy lives. I Love You Brittany and am so grateful to have you in my life and I thank you for supporting me through all this and being here for me every step of the way. And for those of you who took the time to read this, I thank you as well. 

Grateful for Brittany

Reasons Why I Am Grateful For Brittany

Alright so, I haven't blogged in a while and, today being Sunday, I've had some time to sit here and just think about my life and how's it been going. Brittany is ALWAYS on my mind and I have been thinking of reasons why I am grateful for her and wanted to share them.

1. She's patient with me and all my issues

2. She encourages me no matter what I'm doing

3. She cooks me delicious food/meals and makes sure I eat a lot so I can be healthy

4. She goes on walks with me

5. She's watched some of the movies I really like even though she doesn't care for them herself.

6. She's always concerned about me

7. She can get me to fall asleep (that's a challenge for me)

8. She listens to me talk ( I talk A LOT)

9. She's good about forgetting and forgiving

10. She's super organized and keeps me in line

11. She makes me laugh 

12. She makes me smile :)

13. She likes to listen to old school music and blast it in my car and sing it loud and proud with me :)

14. She likes to read scriptures together and pray together

15. She always compliments my appearance

16. She gives me hugs when I'm sad, angry, not feeling good, or having a bad day

17. She's always willing to stay up late to talk with me 

18. She never yells, shouts, or causes fights

19. She cheers me up when i'm not happy

20. She writes me love letters

21. She's stuck with me through thick and thin and has never given up on me thus far

22. She completes me, she fills the gaps that I needed filling

23. She's Beautiful

24. She's spontaneous

25. She's smart

26. She's fun and goofy

27. She makes me feel alive

28. She fills me with pride and with love

29. She teaches me and helps me learn

30. She came into my life just when I needed her and has made me feel alive again

That's just a short list of reasons why I am grateful for her and why I love her. Brittany, I love you and want you to know that I truly am grateful for you! :)

Some of my writing

So, sometimes when I'm alone and having a bad day or, going through a rough time I write. I'm not very good at it but, I want to post it and share it with you all anyway. Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think. It's called:

"The Darkness Consumes You" 

The dark consumes you....your very being, your very soul. No longer does the light of reason, the light of compassion shine in you. What is to become of you? Only you know, only you can decide. We are all afraid of the dark inside ourselves.

We cannot fully see our future.  We are only given small pieces of it. Here and there a little and we give no thought to those things. We are faced with many different situations…some we were expecting and some, we were not. And what we do in those situations, how we react and how we ultimately handle those situations, will decide the kind of person we are, they will shape us, and define us. We have many influences that will also decide who we are and who we are to become. Family, friends, books, movies, music, all these things are just some of the many things that we deal with each and every day.

But what do you do, when; you think you can see a situation in your future coming? Do you decide then and there to act? Not knowing the consequences your actions could have now and then later? We all have a choice. And we all have a light and dark side to us. We are given the choice between the two. Do we choose to do that what is right and have the light shine through us or, do we decide to let the dark inside fully consume us? Not giving thought to what we will say and do. Letting go of our conscious and becoming completely numb to the point that there is no reason, no sense of what is good and what is wrong.

Each and every day is a battle, a struggle with our inner selves. With the monster that sleeps in our heart, dormant inside. Just waiting for some secret silent alarm to trigger it off, to wake it and release it. We fight to keep that monster asleep and if it is already awake, we fight to keep it caged inside us where it belongs. For the consequences of letting such a monster free, could have disastrous results.   For many years now, I have been fighting a very powerful, controlling and evil monster inside me. He is winning every battle thus far. I have no excuse, no reason for him to win yet, despite my best efforts; he is succeeding and is leaving me with an empty feeling inside.

He is not merciful, he is not pleasant. And he truly takes me over sometimes. Although I try my best to fight for freedom and to come back and let those around me know that it really is me….I am left many times to watch him tear the ones I love down, to say mean and hurtful things to them. To make them feel like garbage, to feel like they can’t help me…he is a binding force that will not let me go. I hate him for ever being born inside me. Why was I not strong enough at the start to bury the seed so far in that it was not able to take root inside my heart and start growing? Why did I let him feed off of my fears, my weaknesses, why could I not see him sooner and stop him?

I’d give this all away just to have somewhere to go to. An escape from who I am, what I am and escape this dark side inside me. I have no one to blame but myself. I was given this test and, I am failing. I thought I was strong but, I was sorely mistaken.

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year!! It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone so quickly!! Another part of the great book in my life has been written. Another part full of memories and experiences both good and bad. It almost seems too fast....How I wish I could go back and change some things but, its time to move on. And I welcome this new year, the year of 2012 with open arms and a willing mind and heart. I am excited and nervous for this year.

How will this year be? No one can say for sure. There's so much waiting in store. It is up to us to make this year what we want it to be. To pursue the most inner desires and dreams of our hearts. To stretch ourselves, to make new goals, polish up on old ones and to take a moment to reflect on events and things last year that changed us. Made us a better person, a little wiser, a little more humble. To take what we learned from last year and make this year even better than the last. 

As I have taken a moment to reflect back on last year, I am truly grateful for all the many blessings I received. There are so many that I can't begin to name them all. But, to mention just a select few:

1. My Heavenly Father and Savior. I can't even begin to describe my love, appreciation, gratitude and thanks to both of them. I'm not sure where to even start. So much can be said to them and about them. They have carried me through EVERYTHING. They have walked with me in my darkest times and my lowest times. They have given my strength, peace and comfort when no one else could. These past 2 years have been especially hard and they were always right there with me. I could always feel their presence and their love. 

2. My loving family. They have stuck by me through thick and thin. They have supported me in everything that I've done...Good decisions and bad. They've given me their love and have shown me that they really care about me. I couldn't have made it this far in my life without them, I'm sure there are times when they wanted to grab me, shake me and say "what are you doing?!? Are you stupid?!?" But, instead, they showed me through their examples the error of my ways and helped me to get back on track and become a better person and to become the person they know I am. To help me achieve my goals and my dreams. I couldn't have asked for a better family and I love them dearly.

3. My Beautiful Fiance, Brittany. I am so grateful that I found her. She is my best friend. My nurse, my therapist, my partner, my chef, my organizer, my comforter, my support, my snuggle buddy, my equal. She is all those things and so much more! I love her with all my heart and soul and couldn't ask for a better lover and partner. The journey we have made thus far, finding each other and discovering the love we have had for each other all this time has been quite an interesting experience but, I wouldn't trade it for anything! I can't wait for her to be my wife and to start a new journey with her! Thank you for making this year a good one Brittany! :) I love you!

I'm not certain what this year will bring but, this much I am certain of, if I have My Heavenly Father, my family, my wife-to-be and all my friends by my side....I will be able to conquer this year and take it head one with full confidence knowing that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. 2012 this is what I have to say to you "Come what may, and love it!" bring it on!! 

New to this whole thing

So, my Fiance thought it would be fun if I got a blog. I really don't do this...I'm a little new at this but, I'll give it a shot. Most of you know me already. I have no idea what to say with my first post or, what I should talk about. 

It's amazing how fast this year went!! It had it's good times and it's bad times but, looking back on this year, the good times ALWAYS outweigh the bad. No matter what kind of day I was having, no matter who bad or crappy it was. No matter how down or depressed I was feeling...a good day would come along or, something neat or cool would happen and suddenly, all the bad evaporated into the air and was replaced by a smile, a laugh, a fuzzy feeling inside. I look back on 2011 feeling good about the things I did and things I accomplished.

I had a couple more surgeries this year, worked some small and interesting jobs. I found the love of my life and am now engaged to her and will be getting married March of next year. I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a very promising year. A new journey awaits and new paths are ready to be blazed. And I am confident and ready to take on any challenge that is thrown my way.