"Good men mean well. We just don't always end up doing well."

This is a quote that I've given a lot of thought to over the past couple months. As weird as this sounds....I got this from a video game. A quote that is given from one character to another. To men in a corrupt world so messed up, it's virtually beyond repair. One, reliving all his mistakes starts to realize that he has done many bad things but, tried to clean his slate by doing good and just. His partner, who has been through a whole lot more tells hims this very thing. 

I feel like in most situations I mean to do well but, the truth is, I seem to fall short and don't always end up doing well. It hurts....Some days I get out of bed and wonder if I am truly making any difference in this world. If I am impacting anyone's life for the better. If I am being a good example to those around me. Helping those who need it. Being a friend and support to those who don't have one. I wonder if I am really being the best husband I can be to my wife. If she is truly happy where she is in her life and if she is really happy to have me there by her side. 

It is wrong for me to admit that I am human? That I am doing my best in all things. Am I a good man? If I am, why do I seem to always end up not doing so well? I seem to wander through a never ending fog. Dark, cold, with no thought or emotion. It sits there....hanging all around me. Trying to get me to stray from my goals. From the path that I am trying to walk down. It blinds my dreams, suffocates my faith and hope, it strangles my motivation. What am I really worth? I try so hard to be positive each and every day. But, this fog always seems to find me. 

Like Simon and Garfunkel sang "Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping....Left its seed while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my head....still remains....Within the sounds of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone." This is how I feel sometimes. Most nights I do not sleep well so, I sit in the darkness and over the years in a very real sense, the darkness has indeed become my friend. And when I do sleep....Seeds are planted in my head and do not leave me be for quite sometime. Seeds of doubt, sorrow, worry, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. 

Is it time for me to hang up my good shield and sword? Should this "white knight in shining armor" put the breastplate and other pieces away in a closet, lock the door and throw away the key? What am I worth if I mean well but, just don't always end up doing well? These questions I am constantly faced with but have no answers to give. So I suppose I will forever remain walking alone in the darkness. Listening to my footsteps echo along the narrow streets of cobblestone in my head.