Anger Issue/Therapy

Okay so, It's  been a while since I've written. I apologize for that. I've had a lot going on these past few weeks I know that is no excuse since my fiance is better at this than I am. I wanted to talk about something that is quite sensitive to me. It isn't something I come out in the open and share with the general public....So, please, bear with me on this. To some, it may not be a big deal or much of an issue but, it is to me.


For many years now, many years....I've been suffering with some serious anger issues. It started at an early age. I was about 15 or 16 when I started to fight with my parents. They would start as a typical teenage fight like any of this did at that age.  But, mine would escalate and, to my dismay, I was always the one who made them that way. It's one of those things that you do and you don't realize you do it or you've done it till someone calls you out on it. Or, something happens to make you stop and think about what is going on and what the cause is. Most of those fights on my end would stop when my mom would go in to our laundry room, shut the door, and then sit on the floor and cry.


My Dad would be furious with me for doing that....who could blame him? That's the love of his life, the person he loves and respects and cares for and, her own child, the very person she willingly and lovingly brought into this world and gave life to, is treating her like garbage. Is fighting with her and with him and won't let go. Won't think clearly. All I would do is make the situation worse and worse. There was a force inside me that would just take me over. One part of my mind loved the feeling and just kept going with it while the other part of my mind, knew what I was doing was wrong. I would try to fight it but, with no success. The other part that loved what it felt would always win. I would pray hard, fast and have blessings to help me with this issue. At points I would be pretty good and would feel good. And then, something would set me off and I would spiral once again into a fit of rage. I would say things that I would later regret. Things that would cut so deep....that the damage could not and still cannot be repaired. And that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.


Over the years I would just keep doing this. Finding excuses to fight. Causing fights just for the heck of it. I'm not sure why I did and to this day, I still don't know why. The prayers on my behalf, the fasting etc, none of that helped. I was constantly agitated...I always felt this anger, this fiery feeling inside and I could never shake it. A lot of the time, people really don't know who I am. One day I'm the happiest person in the world who is giving compliments left and right and nothing can bring me down and then, someone will say something or, will do something that I either take wrong or, hurts me or offends whether it's something big or small and then I lose it. The anger instantly flows through my veins and I am unstoppable. My tongue is stained with some really bad offenses....and I cause an incredible amount of hurt in those I love.

The worst, is taking this anger out on Brittany.....No one deserves it. Especially her. It isn't right and it isn't fair. There have been several occasions where, she should have left me. She should have walked out the door and said "goodbye" But, she's always been here for me. Now, just to clarify, I am not physically abusive. I have never hit her and never will. I could never hit a girl. But, being verbally abusive, is no different. It's the just the same thing if you think about it. Making her cry and having her say that she doesn't know who I am and who she is marrying and that I scare her when I get like this.....is the worst. It's a feeling that I hate but, that I deserve to feel. I don't blame her for being scared of me and, I don't blame her for not knowing who I truly am. I am screwed up. I am a mess and I want to publicly pour my heart out to her in sincere and honest apology. I know I will never be able to repair the damage that I have already caused and for that, I will bear the scourging's of my own tongue. I will suffer the pain and anguish associated with the words and actions that I have done. 


It was through her words, encouragement and some talking to that, I've finally decided to do some therapy and see if I can get to the root of this anger and find ways to either cope and deal with it or, to get rid of entirely. I've had two sessions so far and am really liking it. Even though the sessions aren't very long, they are draining. But, It's been worth it so far and, I have a feeling that the more I see the Therapist, am open and completely honest with him, I will get the help that I need. I will continue to pray, fast, receive priesthood blessings and, find in me the strength and the will to overcome this issue.


To any of you out there who struggle with this same issue or, an issue similar to it. I would encourage you and advise you to see a doctor or therapist. I had a very hard time admitting I needed to get see one for various reasons but, once I got over my pride and learned that, it can't hurt to go see one and just talk to them, I realized that they truly care about others and want to help them overcome issues and personal challenges so we can be happy and live happy lives. I Love You Brittany and am so grateful to have you in my life and I thank you for supporting me through all this and being here for me every step of the way. And for those of you who took the time to read this, I thank you as well.